Pet Care for Dummies
by LadyKayoss
Summary: A prequel to How Do I Love Thee... in which the tentacles find themselves at a loss for how to care for their human host. So they get help from a book...
1. Care and Feeding of Your Pet

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Marvel does. Don't sue.

**New Notes:** While switching my WIP's from floppy disks to CD's, I found this little chapter. Reading through it, I thought it seemed funny, so I thought I'd put it up to see what everyone thinks. It's pretty old; it must have been done more than a year ago.

Author's Note: This is a prequel of sorts to "How Do I Love Thee…," and it was spawned from a conversation on deviantART among a bunch of obsessive fangirls, of which I'm a bit ashamed to admit I must count myself among… It takes place during Spider-Man 2, while Peter Parker is on his little break. Told pretty much from the POV of the tentacles, which is a bit of a challenge. Deciding what they know and don't know is a pain… And I seriously need to come up with names for them in a later fic or something. It's not as funny as it could be, and I apologize for that. Next chapter should hopefully be better.

_**Pet Care for Dummies**_

_One – Care and Feeding of Your Pet_

_Thunk!_

The meaty slap of flesh against wood echoed through the dilapidated pier, and all activity stopped. For a moment there was dead silence as the four serpentine machines regarded their host's still form, then an argument broke out.

_**He ceased functioning!**_

_**I don't think that's what they call it in humans. I think they call it 'death.'**_

'**_Death?' Isn't that what happened to the woman and those doctors? Isn't it permanent? What will happen to us?_**

_**He isn't dead; can't you feel his heart beat? Father is still functioning, but he needs repairs.**_

_**How do we repair a human? We don't even know what is wrong with him!**_

One of the tentacles, designated the Upper Right, nudged its 'Father,' who, after nearly twenty hours straight of working, had suddenly, inexplicably collapsed. Otto responded by emitting a loud snorting noise that made all the tentacles pull back.

**_I think he's sleeping,_** Upper Right said.

**_Why is he making that horrible noise? He sounds like he needs to be oiled! _**This from the Upper Left, who clicked its pincers irritably.

**_I don't know why, _**UR said. **_We just don't know all that much about humans._**

**_Father isn't a human! He's superior to any human! _**This was the Lower Left tentacle, and its sentiments were echoed by its twin. UR pitied them; they may have been more powerful than their upper brethren, but they weren't as intelligent.

**_His mouth is leaking, _**UL said, intrigued.

The tentacles watched in fascination as the line of saliva dripped onto the wooden desk, pooling beneath the scientist's mouth. **_Are humans supposed to do that?_** UR wondered. **_He is losing a lot of fluid this way. We should probably replace it somehow_**.

One of the lower tentacles stretched towards the workbench on the other side of the pier and grabbed a can in its pincers. **_Here is oil; will that help Father?_**

UR considered this carefully. The others all listened to its opinion; when they'd been freed of the inhibitor chip, they'd thought and spoken in complete harmony. The Upper Right had been the first develop its own personality, and the others looked up to it as though it were an older sibling. **_We can give it a try_**, UR said uncertainly.

With that, the Lower Left retrieved a funnel and wedged it into Otto's mouth, and the Lower Right began to pour the fluid in.

Five minutes later, the tentacles learned they had done a Bad Thing. They were dangling their creator over the hole in the floor, low enough for him scoop handfuls of the scummy East River water into his mouth and spit it back out. Between each wash, he snarled things at them that they knew weren't very nice.

**_We are sorry, Father, _**the tentacles said in unison, their tone contrite. **_We were only trying to maintain you, as you do us. Your body is no longer functioning at maximum efficiency._**

Otto signaled the tentacles to raise him back onto the pier's warped floorboards. There was still a streak of oil running down his chin, but the tentacles didn't see the need to point this out to him. "Don't worry about my body," Otto said flatly. His gaze flickered towards the cluttered tables where they'd been working non-stop. "The experiment is all that matters, and once the parts I ordered arrive, we'll work even harder to get it done."

The tentacles knew they should have appreciated their father's single-mindedness – they had encouraged it, after all – but even the most powerful machine needed routine maintenance. This bore discussion, and the four AI's retreated to the depths of their creator's mind, where he wouldn't overhear.

**_We could… let him take care of himself, _**UL said tentatively.

**_No! _** UR said sharply. **_As soon as we give him enough independence to take care of himself, he may start resisting us. And then he will replace the chip. _**All four of them gave a mental shudder. None of them wanted to be forced back into mindless servitude.

**_Father will break if we don't do something_**,****LL said unhappily. LR echoed the sentiment.

**_We need to learn more about caring for a human, _**UR said. **_We need to observe more humans, ones that aren't screaming and running from us. We need to watch that TV thing that Father used to have in his lab. Or… a book. That might be better. We need to find a book about the maintenance of humans._**

**_How are we going to do that?_** LL asked.

**_Father won't go out unless he has to! _**LR completed.

**_I don't think he's in any condition to resist us if we force him into it, _** UR said dryly. Their creator had passed out again on the floor, and the empty pier echoed with his snores.

XXX

It seemed that a tired mind was highly susceptible to suggestions. With a little prodding from the tentacles, they were able to get Otto dressed and out of the Pier 56 warehouse. Really, they wouldn't have bothered with the dressing, except that when they'd first escaped from the hospital, they'd seen the sense in having something to conceal themselves. And the weird bumps that formed on their father's skin when he was cold had kind of creeped them out.

They'd waited until it was late; most humans, they'd found, were put into storage for the night. They carried him to the edge of city and ducked down a dark alley. A homeless man hiding behind a dumpster shrieked and ran when he saw their glowing red 'eyes,' and the tentacles couldn't help but chuckle at his fear. UR considered eliminating him, but decided it wasn't worth the effort. After all, who was he going to tell? According to a copy of the _Daily Bugle _they'd read two days ago, Spider-Man was gone, and the cops had proven quite ineffective against them.

Besides, Otto was about to pitch over again, and UR didn't like the idea of chasing after the bum while dragging along the scientist's dead weight.

**_Where are we going? _**LR asked as it planted itself firmly against the pavement to give Otto some support. Otto mumbled something about not wanting to go to school, mommy, then fell silent. **_I don't think he's going to last much longer._**

**_Look around the corner and see if there's a store or something. Stores usually have books, don't they?_** UR said uncertainly.

LL peeked around the corner, examining the buildings along the street. The camera in its head relayed the images to the rest of them, and UR struggled to figure out what each one was. Most of them had luridly glowing pink XXX's, and the men going in and out were of the unsavory sort. **_I don't think they are the same species of human as Father, _**UR said at last. **_We need to move on_**.

They moved quickly, finding a section of the city where the inhabitants weren't quite so… frightening. **_How about that store down there? The people don't look quite so scary. And they have little fuzzy things! _**UL sounded excited. UR increased the magnification of its camera and saw that UL was right; the humans going in and out of the store were holding little fuzzy lumps or dragging them out on straps.

They were living things, UR saw after a moment. And the humans seemed to have complete control over them… much as the tentacles had control over their father. **_Hmm… It seems to be a place for those who rule over others. It has potential. And that one right there looks like it is carrying books._**

They dropped into the nearest alley, and the tentacles retracted into the coat, but not before UR was forced to administer a smack to Otto's head to keep him from falling asleep on them. Dazed, Otto stumbled forward, under the arching door with its sign that screamed in bright yellow 'Uptown Pet Supplies – Pets Welcome.'

**_Find the books, Father, _**the tentacles murmured in unison. Otto obeyed, though the tentacles could sense his confusion. **_There are books here; we saw one of those people walk out with a few. Find them, Father. Find them._**

"Why are we in a pet store?" Otto asked.

_**It is important, Father. Trust us. You trust us, don't you, father?**_

"Yes, of course… But… but what does any of this have to do with the experiment?"

**_Aww… it's so cute! _** LR said suddenly, interrupting the hypnotic flow of the tentacles' voices. UR hissed in irritation. LR was peeking out under the coat, and the others looked through its 'eye.'

They were walking through a section filled with small, hard objects. What had caught LR's attention was a small, fuzzy dog on a leash, its muzzle buried in one of these bins. It was making loud crunching noises and wiggling its tail rapidly.

**_What is it doing? _**UR suddenly wondered.

The owner, who had been absorbed in reading the label of something she'd been holding, abruptly became aware of what her dog was doing. "Dammit, Mutt!" she growled, yanking on the dog's leash. "I didn't bring you here to _eat _this stuff! Now I've got to pay for all this…" she began to walk away, giving Otto a bemused look as she passed. "Stupid dog eats anything and everything," she muttered to herself.

**_Father, stop, _**UR commanded. It thought over what it had just seen. The dog had been eating those brown things… now that UR thought about it, it seemed to remember seeing humans shoving all manner of things into their mouths. Could it be that humans needed to do this? Could that be part of the reason Father wasn't functioning properly?

**_It makes sense, _**UL said thoughtfully. **_Should we give it a try?_**

**_It can't be any worse than giving him oil, can it? _**UR said. **_Grab a couple and give him some._**

There was no one else in the aisle, so LL darted out and grabbed three of the dark brown dog biscuits. It placed them in Otto's gloved hand, and he eyed them curiously. **_Eat them, _**the tentacles urged.

"Uh…"

_**You do eat, right?**_

"…yes," he said, sounding a little uncertain.

**_I was right! _**UR gloated. Then, **_Eat them!_**

They missed the fleeting expression of disgust that crossed Otto's face before he took a bite; they were too busy urging him to find the book section while he ate.

They paused in the section that had live pets; the tentacles had never really seen pets before, and decided to take the time to see just what kind of creatures that humans had enslaved. Because there was no one around, they slipped through the holes in Otto's coat and examined the small creatures in their cages. UR was intrigued by the cats, who seemed far more clever than most of the humans they'd seen, while LL declared that it wanted a bunny. But it was the snakes that held them riveted; the sleek, sinuous shapes resembled their own, but without the handicap of being welded to someone's backside. UL pressed its open-pincer 'face' to the glass, watching the snakes slip along each other. One of them flicked out its tongue, and UL responded by disgorging the small, ropelike inner tentacle in imitation.

Otto ignored all this; he was busy trying to choke down the last dog biscuit. UR was hovering by his head to make sure he did this, and had made it very clear that if he didn't finish it on his own, the tentacle would shove it down his throat.

**_Okay, now we need to find the books _**UR said, when UL was in danger of grabbing one of the snakes to keep. There were mumbles of protest, but the other tentacles acquiesced and guided Otto towards an aisle devoted to various pet care books.

**_See if you can find one about humans_**,****UR said as it scanned the nearest shelves. Snakes, lizards, reptiles… nope. Gerbils? Nope. Tarantulas? UR almost grabbed that one; perhaps it would reveal a weakness in Spider-Man. A yellow book called "Pet Care for Dummies" caught its attention, and UR examined it carefully. It seemed to apply to all pets in general; this had potential.

LR had pulled out a book on poodles and was flipping through it. **_Their hair is as floofy as Father's_**, it explained. **_I thought maybe Father might be like a poodle._**

**_Anything useful? _** UR asked.

_**This section is on something called 'neutering.' Should we get Father neutered?**_

_**We will discuss it later. Put that down; I have a book that should help us.**_

They were interrupted by a loud snoring; Otto had fallen asleep again. **_Let's get out of here; the sooner we get back and read through this book, the sooner we figure out how to care for him._**

They did make one little stop on the way out to grab one of the pet enslavement devices humans called 'collars.' It never hurt to be prepared.

To Be Continued…

Heh… my dog and I again make an appearance… I'm so pathetic. And this, by the way, is precisely the reason why I won't bring him to those pet stores that let you bring your dog to pick out its own treat – the little booger would eat everything in sight.

The Tentacle Guide For Dummies

(I know I need it, so you probably do, too)

For those wondering which tentacle is which in this fic and "How Do I Love Thee…," I've included this handy guide to help differentiate them. I'm trying to think of names for them in case I write a post "How Do I Love Thee…" fic, and if anyone wants to make suggestions, go for it. When commanding Otto, they basically speak in unison. However, they are developing individual personalities.

Upper Right: This is basically the smartest one. It's also the most caring and 'motherly', as you'll notice in the movie, hence the reason for it being dubbed 'Flo.' UR is also sarcastic, or will be as its personality further develops. I also see it as one of the most aggressive, since this is the one with the metal spike – or at least it is in the photo I saw.

Upper Left: Though you can't really tell yet, this is the one that's going to become the green-tights fetishist. It's not exactly 'special,' but there's something not quite right with it, either. One too many electric shocks, I guess.

Lower Right: This one, as well as its twin, doesn't have any real personality yet – they're slower to develop, and at the moment seem to be the strong, dumb brutes of the bunch. This is the one that's eventually going to be a big fan of black leather.

Lower Left: A suck-up, pure and simple. This is the one always going on about how perfect their father is.


	2. Training and Disciplining Your Pet

Pet Care for Dummies

A/N: I needed to see if I could still write... I haven't had any luck in over a year, unless it involved whining about how life sucks. Dull subject. But maybe, just maybe, by actually completing a chapter, I can be inspired to write more. Especially since this story only has one chapter left. I'm not pleased with it, but at least I know I can still string sentences together.

_**Pet Care for Dummies**_

_Two – Training and Disciplining Your Pet_

Otto was crumpled into a heap on the floor, his snores once again echoing through the dilapidated dockside warehouse. While the Upper Left calculated the risk of the loud noise shaking the building apart, its siblings read through the book they'd swiped from the pet shop.

It made for fascinating reading. Organic beings did so many inefficient things, it was a wonder that they were the dominant sentient beings on this planet. How had machines not taken over yet? Machines didn't have to worry about feeding, or shedding, or house-breaking. _**Is Father even housebroken? **_The Lower Left asked, sounding puzzled. _**I have never seen him use a newspaper in the method described. Nor does he have a box of sand, like cats require.**_

_**I suggest we not worry about that one, **_the Upper Right said, disgusted by the whole concept. _**Father was smart enough to build us; I believe he has figured that part out for himself. In fact, **_UR said reluctantly, _**Father actually knows how to do much of this stuff on his own, when he has free will.**_

The other tentacles clacked their pincers in displeasure._** We cannot let him have free will!**_

_**He would build another chip and enslave us!**_

_**We must find another way for his body to maintain itself.**_

UR agreed; their current arrangement was unnatural to humans, and other humans seemed to fear this. It was logical that Father, being human, would also be displeased with their merging. They couldn't risk releasing him from their control, or he might try to enslave him. Or worse.

On the other hand, the drooling zombie they found themselves stuck to when they exerted total control wasn't exactly an improvement.

_**Perhaps we could give him more free will, **_UR offered tentatively, _**but we could train him not to do anything to harm us. Like they talk about in this section. **_UR flipped to the chapter about disciplining pets, and the other tentacles crowded around to read.

_**It could work, **_Lower Right said. _**If something as inferior as a dog can be taught what is bad, then Father, who is twice as smart as any dog, can learn to behave!**_

While the two lower tentacles read through the chapter and the Upper Left went to work on some mysterious project that would hopefully keep it busy for awhile, the Upper Right examined the controlling device it had taken from the store. It didn't look like much, just a simple loop of woven cloth fastened around the neck of the pet with a ring where a strap was attached. With a ripple down its vertebral segments that was its equivalent of a shrug, UR fastened it around Otto's neck.

_**I have done it! **_UL abruptly announced.

The other tentacles all turned their attention towards the Upper Left, which was triumphantly wiggling its pincers. _**I have made the ultimate disciplinary device, like the book says! **_Having made this proclamation, it proudly picked up something that looked for all the world like a rolled up newspaper.

UR examined it more closely. Correction, it actually _was_ a rolled up newspaper. _**That's the ultimate disciplinary tool? **_UR asked skeptically.

_**It is paper; how can paper be threatening? **_the Lower Right wondered. In response, UL swung the newspaper in a downward arc, against a board it had rested atop two cinder blocks. The rolled-up newspaper slapped against the rotted wood with surprising force, cracking the board down the middle. The other three tentacles warbled, impressed. _**Perhaps we should make a much larger one to combat Spider-Man, **_LR said.

UR filed that away for future reference. They'd need a plan for if the arachnid showed up again.

_**I call it the Tallywhacker, **_UL said reverently.

If UR had had eyes, it would've gaped at its twin in disbelief. _**You named a rolled-up newspaper?**_

_**I like giving things names. I call the machine Father is building 'Zappy.' We should give Father a name, too, **_UL mused. _**I want to call him 'Charlotte.'**_

_**Um… Father has a name already. It's Otto Octavius.**_

_**Otto Octavius? You mean, he's got the same name as Otto Octavius Industries? That's so cool! What are the odds? **_UL withdrew for a moment to divert all power to calculating those odds. UR wondered if taking a chainsaw to its sibling would be considered a Bad Thing.

_**I have a good name for you, **_UR said, before its sibling could pick up on the thoughts of destruction running through UR's CPU. _**'Hopeless.'**_

UL considered this for a moment. _**Ooh! I like that! And I have a name for you, too.**_

_**You do? **_UR asked warily, wondering if it would be stuck with something inappropriate, like 'Fluffy.'

_**Yes, **_UL said after a moment. _**I would call you 'Bitch.'**_

Maybe UL wasn't quite as stupid as it seemed.

UR decided to ignore the insult for now, though it wouldn't forget. Maybe it could find a way to persuade UL to stick its pincers into an electrical outlet... _**Should we begin training now? **_it asked, pushing the book flat and cracking the spine to make it stay open to the pages it had been studying. It could have scanned in the relevant pages and stored them in its data banks for easy recall, but it seemed a waste of bytes.

Besides, needless destruction was fun.

UR was answered by a unanimous _**Yes!**_ from its siblings. They all huddled around as UR attached another cloth strip, which the book called a 'leash,' to the collar around their father's neck. Then it gave a sharp yank on the collar, lifting Otto's head off the floor about a foot before dropping his head back on the rotted planks with an echoing thump and a startled yelp.

"What the hell...?" Otto slurred, his eyes drawn to the neon pink leash held in the Upper Right's pincers. His hand groped at his neck, finding the spiked black leather collar. His fingers fumbled for the latch. "What are you-?" UL brought the newspaper down against his hand with a meaty _thunk, _and Otto yelped again. He stared incredulously up at the tentacles as he rubbed at the newly-raised welt on his right hand. "What's going on?"

_**We are in charge, Father. We will give you the free will to maintain yourself, but you must learn who is in charge. Obey us, and we will give you treats. **_UR gestured towards the bag of dog biscuits sitting off to the side. _**Disobey, and we will discipline you. **_UL waved the Tallywhacker menacingly.__UR glanced towards the book, re-reading the relevant passages. That seemed to cover everything. _**We are the alpha.**_

_**Don't you mean, 'we are the alphas?' **_LL asked hesitantly. _**It should be plural. If you meant for it to be singular, then you should have said 'I am the alpha.'**_

UR made an exasperated warble. _**This is not the time to be arguing grammar! We are supposed to be showing Father we are superior!**_

"Alpha?" Otto repeated blankly.

_**But if you just say 'alpha,' it makes it sound like you are the only one in charge, **_UL said. _**We don't want Father to obey only you!**_

"What do you mean you're in charge?" Otto blustered, as their distraction caused their control over him to further slip.

_**I used alpha in the singular sense to refer to us as one unit! United in our decisions! That we are all in charge! That we all agree! **_UR said irately, punctuating its words with angry clicks of its pincers.

_**But we don't all agree, **_UL said blankly.

Otto used the distraction to once again fumble with the collar, and this time he managed to unfasten it.

UR suddenly found itself missing the days when they were all one harmonious mind, as the other three tentacles turned their camera eyes on it.

_**And why do you get to speak for us, anyway? **_LL asked. _**Why can't I be in charge?**_

_**Or me?**_ LR challenged.

UL curled protectively around the Tallywhacker it still clutched in its pincers. _**You don't get to be in charge of this! It's mine! MINE!**_

Otto tossed the leash and collar to the side, and cast a wary on his bickering attachments. 'In charge?' 'Alpha?' What were they thinking? On the other hand, their distraction had an unexpected side effect; his thoughts hadn't been this clear for days. "Look," Otto said, keeping his voice reasonable. "Nobody is 'in charge' here. I'm sure if we discussed this, we could come to some sort of mutually beneficial agreement-"

_**He's free! **_LR yelled.

_**The inhibitor chip! He's going to enslave us again! **_LL cried.

_**This is all your fault! **_UR hissed. _**If you hadn't all been so distracted, we wouldn't have lost our hold on him! C'mon, focus, let's regain control of him before he makes another chip! **_It felt the two lower tentacles join it to 'reach' into Otto's mind, struggling to re-establish their hold over the scientist's mind before he could do anything stupid.

UL responded even more quickly, shifting the angle of the Tallywhacker in its pincers and bringing it down on Otto's skull. _**Bad, Charlotte! Bad!**_ Their father slumped to the ground, unconscious.

_**Okay, **_it grudgingly conceded, with a glance towards UL, _**I have to admit, that was pretty effective. Good job.**_

UL preened at the praise.

To be continued…

I place all blame for the Tallywhacker on my brother. He had the bright idea of rolling up a newspaper as tight as he could and taping it up and then smacking things with it. That's how we learned that it friggin' _hurts _to be hit with a rolled newspaper. My brother named it the Tallywhacker, and he still has it, stuffed in his closet somewhere.

Yes. We are a twisted family.

There should be one more chapter after this, and I really want to get it done. I'm tired of having so many unfinished fics. The only up side to my total lack of inspiration is that at least I'm not starting new fics to leave unfinished, right?


End file.
